Application To Date My Daughter

28Jan08

My daughter will be 14 in 2 1/2 months. She will begin High School next Fall. I am faced with inevitable decisions regarding her relationship with the opposite sex. This came up yesterday on my wife’s blog and I have decided to prepare for it and hit it head on.

So, if you have any interest in my daughter, I am happy to consider you, but I need you to take this application and fill it out completely, before we can move forward.

Thanks Gretch @ Sketch for this resource .

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #__ ______________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________ _____________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No

Pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? (IF YOU ANSWERED ‘YES’ TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does ‘LATE’ mean to you?

_____________________________________________________ _________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ‘DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER’ mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ‘ABSTINENCE’ mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? _____________

Mother? _____________

Pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman’s place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

______________________________________________________________

_____ _________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

____ __________________________________________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_________________________________________________________
Applicant’s Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother’s Signature Father’s Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. If your application is rejected, please do not try to call, write, e-mail, FAX, UPS, Fed-Ex, sky-write, use jungle drums, ask a friend to do same or any other form of communication. Failure to comply will necessitate a visit by two gentleman, driving a large trunk sedan and carrying musical instrument cases.

To prepare yourself for the face to face interview, start studying Daddy’s/Grandpa’s Rules for Dating.

Daddy’s Rules for Dating

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a ‘Barrier method’ of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: ‘early.’

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise , once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine



44 Responses to “Application To Date My Daughter”

  1. 1 ur daughter

    You could always send Dakota out to fart on him! :) Kind of like when you sat on sadies lap with her hands pinned and then you farted on her as much as you could. Oh ya, I went there!!! I’ll never forget it.

  2. Gee Kass, I’m glad you shared all this with the world :)

    If Kristiapplesauce or Christian are reading. I apologize that this post went south on the first comment :)

  3. HOLY FREAKIN COW….THATS AMAZING

  4. hahahahahahahaaa! Brent is famous for pinning down hands and farting…. I’m just sayin’. ;-) I can SOOOOO picture that!

    Okay this was hilarious!! My favorite: I am the barrier and I will kill you. AAAAAAAAAHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!

    Kass is not going to be 14. That is completely impossible. Completely. Impossible.

    Duuuuuuuuuude, that means you’re old. ;-) heehee

  5. I so want to really use this. You guys think it would work? My daughter says it’s ok :)

    Brandy as you call me old…don’t forget that you used to babysit her when she was a toddler :)

  6. 6 Sean

    Brent, I am about to be the father of a little boy. I would die laughing if he were to ever come home with a dazed and confused look on his face and holding a copy of this application in his hand. With that 20/20 hindsight I wish I had gotten an application like this on one or two dates! Hahaha!

  7. bless your heart…… the next ten years are gonna rip your heart out and then beat you with it.

  8. Sean, I do have to figure out what to do with my son. i mean shouldn’t he have a rules sheet or something :)

    Mandy, have you created a little of this heart breaking in your past :)

  9. “What do you want to do IF you grow up” is a great line.
    Speaking as a father of 23 year old and 15 year old daughters, are you ready for you hair to turn gray. Pray a lot and it never hurts to be cleaning a handgun when they pick her up.

  10. I’m ascared of guns. Will a squirt gun do? Or will B not look very convincing sporting one of those in his holster, wearing his leather chaps… :shock:

  11. Leather chaps…hmmmmmm

  12. 12 ur daughter

    I love you guys! I think “what do you want to do IF you grow up” is hilarious!

  13. 13 edfromct

    Good luck Brent. I have heard that some young girls are drawn to a boy who reminds them of their father. Would that be a good thing? :)

    I did not see any mention in the application of mullets.

  14. 14 ur daughter

    hey ed this is kass. Is it a good thing? yes and no! I’m NOT going for a mullet. You can count on that! :D

  15. Rule #11: At no time can you touch any body parts my daughter has that you don’t have! Don’t even think about it!
    Rule #12: If we the parents are out of town you have to drive and have a face to face interview with my daugther’s “God Grand Parents (Indian Lake Papa and Mama)” before you can pick her up. They live on the east coast some where, sorry l can’t give better directions.

  16. Papa!

    I like!!!

    Amending Application to add Papa rules #11 & #12

  17. Hmmmm…Mullets…

    I’ll have to think about it :)

    Indian Lake papa, I like the amendments as well!

  18. Uh, hate to throw a monkey wrench into the works but you may want to take a closer look at Rule # 11. I found a pretty serious loophole.

    Anyway – good and funny stuff. I think I started this so I gotta tell you that my daughter met her beau at church youth group (our old pastor kind of played matchmaker here) they’ve been dating for about 3 years (she wasn’t allowed to until she was 16 so he’s sort of the first one on a very short list) he doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink (really) and is so tame he bores me to death sometimes. They’ve been engaged since August and they have at least 2 and a half years left on their engagement (that’s when they are scheduled to graduate – their rules) and of course a lot can happen in that period of time. That being said, my daughter is a nut job and he seems to be able to handle her with minimal fuss. Something I never learned to do with her mother.

  19. It seems your daughter is taking this in good spirits. This is a very good thing. Our oldest didn’t see the humor in this list when we tried it when she was starting to date.

  20. “I found a pretty serious loophole.”

    Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  21. Scott – My daughter is amazing. The fact is the rules probably will be made by her. She’s is a great girl!!!

  22. 22 boffthewall

    Oh my…your poor daughter! LOL…are you really going to use this?

  23. Hi boffthewall ( I really would love to know what that stands for)

    welcome, I think the is your first time commenting here. thanks for stopping by and don’t be a stranger!

    Honestly, I may have mentioned earlier, but my daughter is an amazing young girl and although we will have our lives I trust who she is by how she has chosen to live her life so far. I am sure my heart will be broken at times, but she is a great gal :)

  24. Challenge for you Brent – When was the last time your daughter sat in your lap??

    One day, years ago, my daughter hopped up on my lap, ,looked me in the eye and said; “dad, one day I will sit in your lap for the last time.” I never forgot that, she was in my lap not to long ago – she is 37 now. I hope she never grows up too big that she can’t sit in daddy’s lap. ALWAYS work to have that special bond Brent.

  25. ha ha ha that is awesome. Great idea. I have to do something like this for my kids when I grow up.

  26. Life4music – thats it! I haven’t grown up ! Have no desire to either, having too much fun with life!

  27. Christian, one of my daughters first boy friends thought he had found a “loophole” in rule 11 – you should have been there. It was a nice funeral, we even had potato salad and punch after the graveside service.

  28. Many Indian Lake Papa, you should do leave us with some great pictures of what it means to love. I have always given both my kids a hard time about affection and such. I am their Dad and I am always able to hug and kiss and receive them as well. no matter how old or cool or emberassed they get. I love em!

    Jon, I am anxious to hear about your journeys with you kids :)

  29. Brent….. I was thinking about when she was a toddler….oh my. That seems like a lifetime ago! :( I still remember her face….cutest, most precious little girl I had ever seen! :D And the hair! Oh the hair!! :)

    And Kota, I never saw a cuter boy…that is of course until I had mine. ;-) heehee

    I heard a song on the radio the other day about a guy going to ask his g/f’s dad for her hand and as he waited in the living room he saw pictures of his g/f all over the place from the time she was a baby on up. It was the sweetest song about how a father will always see his daughter as his little girl. So sweet.

  30. This is a personal one so don’t share with anyone else. :o)

    A very true one. I stood in a very small room, in a military court room, on March 21, 1990. My son had just been sentenced to 4 years confinement in Ft. Leavenworth. I reached out to shake his hand to say “goodbye” – thought – -then grabbed my son and hugged him. I vowed I would NEVER shake his hand, ever. He still gets hugs and “Love you son” on the phone. He is doing fine now, but could use some prayers for his spiritual life. Loving your children is not an option. It is God ordained.

  31. Loving your children is not an option….LOVE THAT! So true. :D

  32. Way too funny, but oh so necessary. I dated a guy my Jr. year of high school who had a van. UH, yuck. He also was the worst kisser. Hope he never reads this. Not that we kissed a whole lot. Two times too many. His van also had a bed in it. UH, yuck. Never sat in the back of the van. Was terrified too. I pretty much stayed glued to the front seat whenever we went out. I made a mental note back then than my daughter would never date a guy with a van.

  33. Amy, I can just see it. Round velvet sofa in the back. Carpet on the interior walls. Mag wheel rims. Bigger tires in the back than the front. And those little round windows on the sides.

    I am so getting a gun :)

  34. you want some candy little girl???

  35. ewwwwww *she shudders*

    Amy’s story reminds me of Brian. Do you guys remember Brian?? That van story may as well have been his jetta. EW EW EW.

    And more EW.

  36. Papa – so true. My son, a 21 year old man, is typical of many smart, independent young people – he thinks his dad is often a fool. Still kisses me when he leaves for the evening or before going to bed. Each time it strikes me. “Why?” And then quickly followed with “Thank you, God”.

  37. This is priceless!!!

    I too have a daughter who is 13…will be 14 on July 4th.

    Libby is a straight A student, and a budding scientist. While she might not share my DNA she is MY daughter. Bright, inquisitive, skeptical…

    She has recently started to talk about dating and luckily for me it’s an after-thought for her. There has yet to be a one-on-one date with a ‘boy’, nor does there seem to be one in the immediate future.

    I recall Bill Engvall the comedian (the most intelligent of that Blue Collar Comedy dreck) say something about communicating his love for his daughter to a prospective male suitor:

    “That’s my little girl and I love her VERY much…and I’m not afraid to go BACK to prison!”

    Also luckily for me my daughter has informed me that from my albeit infrequent visits to her school….have ‘communicated’ to the boys in the class that she is not someone to upset or trifle with in anyway.

    Nothing like a 5’10″, 260lb frame coupled with 30″ biceps to communicate the strength to tear appendages from bodies!

    Also it’s a good thing if your daughters boyfriends think you are a little unstable!

    R.

  38. This is Brilliant!!!
    By the way, thanks for the kind words to you and Tam.
    I just spoke my heart for you and your family and wish you a speedy “recovery”.

  39. “5′10″, 260lb frame coupled with 30″ biceps”

    Dude, evolution has been kind to you :)

    Thanks again Brad. Maybe some day we’ll get out to go old Atlanta and say hello!

  40. inWorship said:

    “Dude, evolution has been kind to you”

    Robert says:

    No, I would argue that the combination of my parents genes, half swarthy Italian half hearty French-Canadian farmer stock combined to make the wonder that is: ME! :D

    I didn’t evolve from a 98lb weakling! ;)

    R.

  41. Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!

  42. My daughters are 29 and 25…both married. They and I survived the 14 – 21 years … I believe the boyfriends also survived but truthfully, I’ve not been keepin’ up with all of ‘em. Ok, any of them – notable exceptions being my sons-in-law.

    Anyhow, those stories read much like my marriage success… “please don’t try this at home … someone was looking out for us all.”

    Loved the application. made me laugh. thanks.

  43. Ric – I could probably learn a lot from you seeing as how you’ve been through it. I hope to have great relationships with the in laws one day!

  44. I LIKE IT HELL I THINK ITS FUNNY DO WHAT IT TAKES



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